How to help a loved one feel in control of their care and support

Cherly Stevenson, Customer Care Manager at Lilli and former Care Technologist at Scottish Care

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Before I joined Lilli, I spent several years working as a Care Technologist. I was going into people's homes across Scotland and helping them find ways that technology could make their daily lives a little easier and safer.

One of the things I learned while doing this, is that what people want most when they're accessing care and support isn't a particular package of care or a particular device, it's to feel in control.

That might sound quite simple, but for a lot of the people I worked with (and for the families who loved them) it could be the thing that sometimes felt the trickiest to hold on to.

So, I want to share some of what I learned because I think it's useful whether your loved one is just starting to need some support or has been accessing care for a while.
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What people want most when they're drawing on care and support isn't a particular device or package of support, it's to feel in control.

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1. Start with what matters to them (not what worries you)

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This can be harder than it sounds, especially when you're feeling anxious.

Our instinct is to often fix the things that frighten us whether that’s the falls risk, the worry about them eating enough or the medication they need. All of those things do matter, but if we lead with them, we can make the person we're trying to help feel like a problem to be managed rather than a person to be supported.

I once visited a gentleman who had a progressive condition affecting his mobility. His family were understandably worried about falls. But when we spoke to him about what would make his life better, he didn't mention falls at all. He talked about not being able to easily turn his lights on and off in the morning without getting up.

Once we started there (what really mattered to him), he felt like he was being heard. Gradually, the things his family were worried about were addressed too, because he was now a partner in the process rather than a passenger.

A good starting question is simply: "What would make today feel easier?" Or: "Is there anything you find yourself wishing was different?"
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2. Ask before you arrange

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One of the most natural instincts when you start to feel worried about a loved one living alone at home is to go into planning mode. That could be ordering an alarm pendant, moving things in the house or getting in a meal delivery service.

All of these things might be the ‘right’ thing to do, but if they arrive without consultation, they can sometimes feel like a loss of control rather than an offer of support.

Some small tips to make things feel more like a consultation could just be simple questions like: "Would you rather we try this for a week and see, or look at a different option?"

Discussing preferences, and trialling changes to their usual routines can improve how tricky and sometimes emotional conversations can go.
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Worth remembering: If your loved one can't make every decision independently, that doesn't mean they can't make any. Think about which decisions they can still own entirely and try to make sure those stay theirs.

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3. Reframe what independence means

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Independence doesn't have to mean doing everything alone and not having any support. It can mean having agency over your own life. A person who uses a voice assistant to turn on their lights, check the weather, and set a reminder to take their medication isn't less independent than someone who does those things manually.

I thought about this fact when I worked with a woman whose mobility had declined and who'd been relying on carers to close her window blinds. It might seem like a little adjustment, but when you’re living it daily it really isn’t just a small thing. When we recommended a simple motorised blind she could control with her voice, she really did feel like she had her independence back again.

When you're thinking about someone you care about, try to ask yourself if the arrangement increases their agency, or reduces it? Does this technology put them more in charge of their day? Would they feel happier that they can depend less on others?ù

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4. Don't underestimate the weight of feeling like you’re being watched

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One of the most common objections about care technology is: "She'll feel like we're spying on her." This is completely understandable, even if it isn’t the family’s intention.

The feeling of losing your privacy, including to people who love you, can be really uncomfortable.

This is one of the reasons it’s so important to spend the time with families to explain what different types of technology actually do and don’t do. There's a big difference between a camera in the living room and a small sensor that detects movement and daily routines without recording anything. One feels like being watched, while the other provides quiet reassurance without any sense of surveillance.

Whatever approach you take, I'd encourage you to have an honest conversation with your loved one about it.  The conversation might be a little bit uncomfortable, but starting the discussion with genuine openness to their answer is a good place to start.
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A useful framing: "I don't want to feel like I'm watching you. I just want to know you're okay, so I can stop worrying and you can get on with your life, how would you feel about that?”

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5. Let them surprise you

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Sometimes we assume older people are resistant to technology and new ways of doing things, but that isn’t always the case.

I’ve spent time with a lot of people who love their smart phones, smart watches and other devices that can help them with shopping lists, reminders or video calling family members.

I've seen technology give people back routines, relationships with grandchildren, and a sense of capability they'd thought were gone. And I’ve also met a lot of people who simply don’t really care it’s there, as long as it makes their loved ones happy and reassured.

It might not be the right time to introduce care technology into your loved one’s home, but if you feel like it is, it’s worth the conversation as they could be more willing than you’d expect.

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A final thought

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We know all of this can feel daunting and helping someone feel in control of their care isn't just a one-time conversation. It requires checking in, adjusting, listening and checking in again.

It isn't always easy. But in my experience, it makes a big difference to the person who needs a little bit of help, and to the families who love them.

If you have questions about anything in this article, or want to talk through a specific situation, you're more than welcome to join us at one of our Better Care Community sessions.